Have you ever met someone who didn't like you? I'm not talking about the mom who overheard you talking about her in play group, or the stranger you flipped off while driving. I mean someone who really, for no good reason, doesn't like you.
There is such a person in my life right now. Not everyone has to like me. I'm fine with that. But... they do have to have a reason. I literally said "Hi" to this person, and instantly, there was a problem. We see each other twice a week. We eat at the same table. We talk to the same people, and its like I don't exsist. Actually its worse then if I don't exsist. Its as if she goes out of her way to make sure I understand that there's something about me that offends her. Ignoring me when I attempt to start a conversation, sucking her teeth every time I walk past, physically turning her back to me when we are stuck sitting next to each other and making sure she addresses EVERYONE but me at some point during our time together..
I can usually shrug it off. But something about her doing this gets to me. I don't know if its the annoying way she goes out of her way to "baby talk" my husband, or DEMAND the attention of everyone in a room, or maybe its the fact that NO ONE seems to have a problem with it. There are people with us whenever we're around each other, and its impossible to be ignorant of the way she acts, and yet, everyone smiles and ignores it. McHubby has offered to help, but what is he going to do? Ask her to please be nice to me because I'm a little sensitive? He's friends with her, and her family? They're in a position of authority over us... so what exactly can he do? I tell him not to, but there are times when it hurts for me to know that he sees it, and is still her friend.
I've had a hard week. I'm struggling with Munchkin's impending medication trials for ADD, and with trying to feel like I'm a good mom who can help him, when it feels like I really can't. Homework sessions breakdown into yelling matches when positive re-enforcement doesn't work. I'm trying to get him on a schedule, some kind of routine that EVERY expert says will help. But things keep popping up that mess with it, and everytime I think we'll get a handle on his routine, we've bumping it for something else.
The Eldest and I had a fight. A BAD fight. And I'm worried that things wont be the same. And I'm worried that the strain of our fight will put a strain on McHubby and I. I'm worried that everyone will get to say "I told you so" about our family not being able to make it, and I think I've cried about it for 2 weeks straight.
I miss my friends. I miss when I have a problem like this, having them to talk to about it. I miss being able to go places with them. If they were here, I could bring them with me when I have to face this person who doesn't like me, and at least I wouldn't be the outsider, which is how she makes me feel. Even when I'm with my own family. I miss having my friends say "Wow.. you're right, it is uncomfortable" and having them sympathize with me.
I have my family, and they are all I have ever wanted and more. I have my boys, my husband, and our happily ever after. But I think his being here for months before I came, is harder now that I'm here, now that I'm trying to fit into the relationships he's already built. I feel awkward, unelegant, blundering, unrefined, and inept. I feel like I'm back in high school, trying to find where I fit in, what to do to be "cool" or to be accepted. Those aren't feelings I'm used to, and they certianly aren't qualities I think anyone would find endearing.
We're going to Canada for March Break. I'm hoping that I'll find myself again, because right now, I feel like I'm floundering...