Friday, May 7, 2010

Pity Party, Table for one?

Ugh!! I did it again!! I turned a perfectly notmal day into this churning mass of emotions that left me sad, cranky and moody!! You'd think that one day, I'd learn not to do it to myself, but... I can't seem to get it through my head.

I'm lonely. 

It sucks.  I miss my friends. I miss having people to tlak to.  To laugh with.  To just relax with.

McHubby is wonderful, but he's got so much stuff going on right now with work he's doing, work he's planning on doing, and work others are telling him about.  He seems preoccupied, when he's home, or we're out, he's checking his phone every 5 min in case there's something he's missed about work. And I get it. Sorta.  I'm queen of the laptop, sitting on the couch means the laptop is in my lap.  But I'm working on it, trying to get out of the habit and instead engaging on whats going on around me.

I kinda miss "the job" too.  Having a phone, being important.  That used to be my job.  Now I get the distinct impression that my new job is a "McHubby's Wife" job.  Maybe you know the kind?  Where "woman's work" is just that, and where wives shouldn't worry their pretty little heads about things? 

We're kinda going through a crisis at work.  A pretty big one.  And we're not even there yet.  So people are trying to keep McHubby in the loop, and trying to make sure he knows what he's facin, but... I'm going there too.  I'll be working there too.  And right now, I feel directly on the opposite side of the loop.  Like I'm getting tidbits of whats going on.  McHubby tries to keep me up on what he knows, but like I said, he's got so much on his plate, and he's distracted so sometimes I know, sometimes we're talking about it and he says "I told you that already" andhe didn't and then I get sad because I'm not the person he's sharing his work stuff with, because in the run of the day he's bombarded with a whole bunch of stuff, and by the time he gets home, he's kinda on overload.

So you may remember my rant about McHubby having moved here before me, making friends before me, and me feeling like an outsider?  Well with this new work thing, the new city, new people all that was supposed to change.  It was supposed to be the time when people got to know Mr and Mrs wonderful, not just McHubby.  This was my chance for "us" to make friends and meet people, not for me to just kind of intrude on relationships he's already built.   I get the feeling thats not going to happen.  With trying to find out as much as possible about what's going on, he's getting info from wherever he can. 

It shouldn't bother me that he's already got people he can talk to in Nashville, when I don't have anyone in the country, right?  It shouldn't bother me when people from his LAST move call him up to talk about stuff that I already feel left out of.  Maybe I'm just jealous of the fact that he has people here who care about him, and I don't.  Not in the same way he does.  I have people I know, but no one I would call up if I was having a problem, or no one who calls to see how my day is going, or if I need someone to bounce things off of.  Maybe it just reminds me of what I left behind.

I think what set it off was I spent an hour yesterday talking to someone from Canada, someone who I didn't really know all that well when I was there, aside from being their kids Sunday school teacher, and it felt so good to have that person to talk to. To have this person ask how I was, ask some pretty indepth stuff, because they cared about me, about what was going on with me. I felt good after I talked to her.  In fact, better then I had in a LONG time, because I actually got to say how I was feeling, what I was thinking, and she was interested.  And then it changed.  I don't know why.  But yesterday afternoon, I felt alone.  And I threw myself a little pity party over it. to the point where I cried when he wouldn't tell me something about Farmville.  Yep... I'm THAT nutty right now.

And the worst part was, I didn't or couldn't tell him what it was.  What kind of wife gets upset when her husband tried to make new friends?  I'm not that person, I don't want to be that person, but I want to be a PERSON, not just "and wife" or "Mrs." and I don't have that here.

I miss home.  The routine, the places, the people.  Or maybe I just miss Me.


  1. Aw--we all have days like that. And being military, we have to uproot and move and leave friends behind a lot, so I know that feeling of being displaced and alone. But it gets better. I personally find that getting out and participating in something that's just for me (usually a craft class or yoga or something)helps with that. You get to meet new people without your other half hanging off your arm.
    Hope today's better!!

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