When I was working at an addictions center my first year out of college, we had a lot of clients who had a case of the "shoulda's". I shoulda walked away from that last drink. I shoulda kept my mouth shut rather then screaming at the cops. I shoulda called my kid on his/her birthday. We as a care team tended to discourage the shoulda's, finding that they tended to make the clients feel like failures, like now that the haze had cleared, that their choices were dumb. Although they weren't great choices at the time, we didn't want anything adding to the "Stinkin' Thinkin'" (I don't know what we had about the apostrophes) that came from a lot of the work we were doing.
Today I'm in a rut... not with shoulda's, but with wishing... wishing things were different, wishing things that I really have no control over. And its putting me in a rotten mindset. I'm trying to put them out of my mind but when I do, more wishes just fill the spot. Don't get me wrong. Its not all bad. There are some great wishes in there. Fabulous wonderful wishes.
I need to get them out. things are always clearer for me when I've got it out on paper.
I wish that I didn't have to wait 30 more days to reach out and touch McHubby. that I didn't have to wait to hold his hand, be in his arms!
I wish that my 16 year old could learn what I admit I couldn't at 16. That he's a good kid, and that people will like him for who he is, and not for who he's trying to be. I wish he could get a flash of where his life could be headed if he only believed in himself like his dad and I do!
I wish that my 10 year old was going to be with us for Christmas. It's going to be our first Christmas together as an "official" married family, and its going to be missing a huge piece because of the spirit and determination he brings to everything. I wish he knew... or maybe just ... believed that he'll be missed so much this year.
I wish that switching schools would be easy for my munchkin. He's been through so much in his little life, having "family" members appear and disappear from his life, changes over and over, and this is going to be a big one. I wish that he hadn't needed to grow up as fast as he had to help out his single mom for so many years.
I wish there were words to tell McHubby how much his patience has meant to me as I've adjusted to this whole relationship thing. He's had a lot to deal with, since I'm relationship challenged, and carrying around more baggage then an aircraft carrier. I wish I could tell him in advance how sorry I am for every mental breakdown I'm going to suffer over the silliest of things.
I wish that I could be one of those people who are SO sure of themselves. That I had the self confidence to accept myself for who I am, instead of having to cover every mirror in my house, and removing the ones attached to my bedroom furniture.
I wish that today would just be over. That it would be bedtime, so it could be "our" time again, so I could see your face, see you smile, hear you laugh.