All this baby ache is driving my crazy, and will start to drive everyone around me crazy, if it already hasn't.
Being snowed in has caused my brain to turn a little fuzzy, and the result is my emotions are ALL over the place, in a one flew over the cookoo nest kind of way. Yesterday, I told the man I love, the man who cries with me over the disapointment of the "Wait, no babies yet" message we keep getting, that I was scared these future bundles of joy weren't a priority for him. I can't believe that would ever come out of my mouth, that I would ever hurt him in that way.
We laugh over the different ways we've planned to tell our families about the babies, when they happen. We cried one day in the car about our future daughters first break up. We argue about the clothes she'll wear, the toys our furture son will play with, and the TV they'll watch (NO purple and green bouncing idiots are allowed in my house!!) I know he loves these two as much as I do, I know his heart aches for them, to be able to hold them like mine does, but last night, snow swirling around me, I said I was scared he didn't. And this wonderful amazing guy? He wrapped my up in his arms, kissed me, and told me he loved me, even though it may have been one of the most hurtful things I could have said to him.
I follow this great blog called "Adopted Momma of Two". I started following her a couple months ago, when I thought adoption was going to be our only option. Reading her has really helped with questions I had, with knowing theres someone else out there who felt the way I do. Her post from yesterday was one of three she did that really hit home for me. In Sometimes I forget she said what my heart was feeling, and reminded me that the ache I feel is one I share with other women (and men) out there. That I'm not the only one who did this "There was a time I longed for a misbehaving child. I begged God for a crying, teething toddler. I prayed for sleepless nights spent caring for my children. I have been given exactly what I asked for. God answered my prayers."
In Why does it cost so much she got down to the nitty gritty of it that I needed to know, and needed to think about. Her adoptions cost $26,000. Thats a whole lot for a family just starting out together, just starting new jobs, and its something I need to think about.
When I read Not Being Pregnant I cried. I want to be past the stage where it hurts to be happy for my friends who are having babies. I want to be able to look at them in the eye and share in their joy, rather then half hearted congratulations while trying not to cry. My sister in law just had a baby. An amazing little blue bundle that I am TERRIFIED of being around. They are coming to town this weekend, and the thought of being with them, watching them as a family physically hurts. I want to be past that!! I want to smile, I want to say congratulations and mean it, but I don't know if I can.
McHubby and I have been through so much in life. SO much before we finally got to find our happiness. I know to expect everything from here on out to be easy is ridiculous, but we've done our time! We've done everything right, trying to please our families, our kids, our friends. Sacrificed. Delayed. Moved Mountains. Things are supposed to get easier now.
We have options. Things to think about. Adoption. Surgery. Sperm donors. Whats best for our family situation. What's Gods plan? Are we messing with it? Where do we go from here?
Man I hope this snow gets lost soon. I need fresh air and open spaces to clear my head... before I push everyone away.