I have had a whole lot of negativity floating around out there lately. My last two posts have been filled with some heavy pity party stuff.
Before I left for Canada, I was telling you about this
Yes and no.
While on Vacation, I had to do something I wasn't really sure I wanted to do. Something that involved my personal belief system, my morals, my values, my self esteem, and something that I once swore I'd never do again. What it was doesn't matter. The only person who knows is McHubby, and the blip it caused in our bliss made it pretty obvious that I was struggling with it. I walked away from the experience thinking about all that I had given up, all that I had wanted, and all that I had changed.
There have been some major changes in my life in the last year (and some a little further back). Some incredible, some hard to make, and some I regret. While I was thinking about them, right in the middle of my sulking about the thing I didn't really want to do, I started to build resentments. I started to dwell on the changes, and got really mad at myself. (and then really snippy with everyone else, but that's a different story)
I am a people pleaser. I like to make people happy. And I think at one point I was good at it. But I think by trying to please everyone else, I changed a lot of what made ME happy. Like... I loved my job. LOVED it. and I loved the responsibility I had. When I was asked to take on MORE responsibility, and do MORE things that made my boss happy, I said yes, because I'm a people pleaser. and then 6 months later, I burnt out. By giving her the break from her responsibility, I lost myself, and when I burnt out I lost my confidence, my self esteem, and my desire to show everyone what I AM capable of.
In wanting to make everyone else happy, I lived for almost a year without the other half of my heart. and with that, I gave up my confidence in us, in our relationship at times. I gave up my smile, my laugh, my joie de vivre. There are things I wonder if I'll always struggle with, after that year apart.
In wanting to make everyone else happy, I've lost myself in group gatherings. We go out with to dinner with friends, hang out with family, and I become this person that even I don't recognize at times. When I'm in a situation that I find uncomfortable, I become very shy, and try to blend in with the decorations. When I'm in a situation that I think other people are uncomfortable with BECAUSE I'm there, if I can manage to say 2 words, it'd probably blow McHubby away.
So back to this chick. And her rudeness. When she went (and still does go) out of her way to try and make me feel small, or like I don't belong, that made me change who I was. And in doing that, made things hard between McHubby and I, because he felt like I didn't want to be with there with him. And that is the FURTHEST thing from the truth. And those arguments, those hard times between McHubby and I, I hate them. I despise them, and I am SO over someone else having the power to cause them.
So this chick. Forget her! McHubby is out of the house 12 hours a day, and exhausted a lot of the times he comes home. Am I going to let some fake jerk take what time i DO get with him from me? Not a chance. Am I going to let some spoiled little girl ruin my good time with his friends? PLEASE!!
Will she still bother me? Yeah. When she says my husbands name in that baby talk voice of hers, will I tell her off? Maybe. When she turns her back to me while I'm trying to talk, will I stop talking? Actually I think I might just ramble on a little longer because then at least I don't have to look at her. If some chick wants to act like a little spoiled child and get pissy and bitchy with me just because she doesn't have all the attention anymore, thats her problem. (and if she pisses me off, thats going to be her problem too )
Am I comfortable with her and my husband being friends? No. Not really. Because if she was a true friend of his, wouldn't the fact that the love of his life is finally with him make her happy for us? Other people, people I had never met or spoken to, walked up and hugged me my FIRST day there, and said "I'm so glad you're finally here". That is what a TRUE friend would do.
So she can act like she's the queen of the castle. I don't really care. In a few months time, we'll be moving on to a new kingdom anyways.
But she bats another eyelash or lays so much as a misplaced finger on my prince charming, and a fire breathing dragon will be the least of her worries.